After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
