my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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