Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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