I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
