I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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