I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize