I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
