At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
