Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
