i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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