he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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