hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
