you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
