...so i touched it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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