i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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