Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
