I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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