Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
