He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize