either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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