I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
