I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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