I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
