he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
