FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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