On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
