between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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