made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
