i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
