I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
