So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it because I queefed?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
