I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
