Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
