The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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