She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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