The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
