New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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