I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
