When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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