I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize