the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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