Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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