Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize