I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
