Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Holy shit dude........stairs
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
