The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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