my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
