when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
