You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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