My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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