Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
