oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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