don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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