Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
