State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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