I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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