I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
