Where did you get a picture of my penis
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
