I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
