he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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