Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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