This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
