everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
FUCK WHALES
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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